Boundaries are indicative of who we are. They are very personal.
The problem with the victim’s boundaries is they are set where SOMEONE else wants them to be, not where YOU want them to be. Consequently, you suffer from a poor sense of self and spend your time seeking the validation of others because others were the ones who defined you in the first place. As a child, your first experience of life was your parents and as an adult your experience of life is still your parents but everyone else as well. So as an adult, you have more people showing you where you need to set boundaries and when your boundaries are weak, there are many volunteers to help in this process, I’ve found. If you’ve had abusive parents, like I did, you have boundaries and a sense of self that is defined by other people and works for other people like your abusers – not for you. Redefining your boundaries is about understanding who you are, what you like and what you don’t like. This may sound like a daunting process, but think of it as one that is cut up into 24 hour periods called days. Each day you get to work on your boundaries. Whatever comes in front of you from day to day is your opportunity to redefine your boundaries and to understand who you really are. Of course, that’s another process. There is defining who you are in relation to society and others, and then there is going deeper and understanding who you are in relation to only yourself. That’s the process I’m on now. Not everyone will choose to do that in a lifetime. I have. Other people will try to change your boundaries. Those abusive others who enjoyed being able to take advantage of you will fight and argue with you to “prove” to you that your boundaries are better off where they were, not where you want them to be. They are interfering in your process of self-determination and ultimate happiness. I haven’t had too many who have taught me to have better boundaries who are still in my life now. The people in my life now reflect my better, more loving boundaries. They don’t argue and fight with me when I set a limit. I have enough friends with good boundaries that I don’t need to tolerate anything less, and I don’t.
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I was having trouble with my wifi provider from my old address. I tried to cancel out my subscription and instead of this I was confronted with call center staff who refused to let me leave, and tried to hard sell me on another subscription when in fact I had already signed up with another service provider. I had the modem and wanted to return it to them (although the technology is probably outdated) but anyway.... I didn't get around to discussing that because these sales sharks were trying to browbeat and manipulate me into staying with their company.
So I hung up on them. I stopped using my service the last day of last month but they kept billing me. I know how that goes. They're billing for something they're not delivering and for what I didn't even ask for and tried to quit, and I know these unpaid accounts will be turned over to debt collector agencies at some point in the future. I typed up a letter to this provider and cc'd the CRTC (Canadian Radio and Television Commission) on it. I even said I would be willing to take legal action if necessary to clear my account. I got two emailed replies, one from the Office of the President of this provider and one from the CRTC. The woman then emailed me and asked for my phone number, which I refused to give her. I said this transaction will be completed via email or it won't be completed at all. She gave me her number and asked me to call her and of course she has call display but told me that since I called, my number won't be put on my record (so the sales hawks won't start calling me with deals). She said she would email me information on how to return the modem and cleared my account balance to zero. She said if I ever wanted to deal with their company again, please feel free. I got the treatment I wanted, not having to deal with pesky sales hawks who read the next thing to do from computer screens. The manipulation and hard selling of these telemarketers really annoys me. I got some good old fashioned first class service - because I insisted upon it!! That's how to stop being a victim! Don't settle for less. If you are a giver, please learn your limits because takers don't have any.
Exploitative people come in all shapes, ages and sizes. Mine were my parents, who, because they were energy vampires, pushed the boundaries far back of their kids to make us totally malleable to their will. Very far back, all the way to completely dysfunctional. Then my mother would call me a sucker. Part of that was because I was gentle and loving, and she had taken on this (false) macho attitude of being tough, which frankly she sucked at, everyone could see through it. The other reason was because her admonishing me for anything was the equivalent of her celebrating with delight that she had actually managed to pull off what she was trying to do with us kids - make victims out of us. She would then spend many years switching between perpetrator and rescuer, saving me from whatever financial crisis I had created through being a victim (yes, you can be a money victim, many people are. The system is set up to facilitate this happening to you. And debt is a big part of that!) But what I really needed was to experience the consequences of what I had created and to get myself out of them, and as I was saying in my other post, rescuers never allow you to experience the pain of what you've done incorrectly, sometimes for the reason that they don't want to see you suffer, and other times for the reason that this is one more chance to laud their supposed superiority over you. Take note that they are NOT superior to you - you are simply engaged in an imbalanced relationship. And my mother never ceased to tell me how much better she was at everything than I was, yet all the meanwhile remaining secretly (again, another thing she was poor at) jealous of me. So I had much firsthand experience with exploitative vampires in my parents, and they were joined by other experts later on. I learned from these people how to set boundaries. Instead of learning them as a child, I learned to set boundaries as an adult, but better late than never I say. I knew when something asked for was more than I was willing to provide and I had to learn to respect that voice inside myself that said, "This isn't okay. I don't want to do this." I was very susceptible to violation of all kinds and that included sexual, so a few perverts who got too close along the way helped me to understand that I could set boundaries. One thing I always found about boundary setting is that it's easier to start with someone who's not as "emotionally charged" for you. In other words, a stranger, someone you have no emotional attachment to, like you would a parent or a family member. It's easier to start with the shoemaker who asks if he can kiss you (yes, that happened to me), or telling the pervert stalking you at the outside event to eff off when he stands so close to you that you can sense him in your energy field (or feel his breath on the back of your head if you're not so psychically inclined.) It's easy to start to feel successful at boundary setting when the stakes aren't so high - when what you say won't change your relationship, that what you say won't rattle the fears you have of rocking the boat, when what you say has little consequence for you except getting that feeling of a win, and the joy of feeling more power. Many takers don't have limits. Their limit is everything they can get you for. Some, not so much. But the fact is, that doesn't matter. Why not? Because you're not to focus on others. You need to learn to focus on your feelings and what comes up for YOU, and if your response is, "hmmm.....well, uhhhh...." If you're hesitant in any way, or now, with your new knowledge, you understand this could be a shady area for you, then it's best to wait with a reply or to just say no right then. Of course the taker will continue to try to break down your boundaries and you will have to continue to say no. Like the other day when an acquaintance tried to get me to consider going to his church, I repeated the word "no" adamantly, because I know that I don't want to attend a church. However, when you're just coming out of a state of being used by your parents as I was, or you're just learning to boundary-set, your sense of self isn't that strong because you've been ignoring it, so your ability to set boundaries will most likely be a bit weak in the beginning. You may not be sure how you feel. So that's okay - give yourself time and either tell the asker no straight away or say, "Come back tomorrow. I need to think about it." Of course the asker will say, "What's to think about?" They will then proceed to give you a hard sell on their idea. This is all the more reason to say no because they're not listening to you. Do you want to have another interaction with another person who doesn't listen to you? Haven't you had enough of that already? Boundary violators, energy vampires and exploitative types (perpetrators) don't listen to you - they listen to what they want. They have the opposite problem that you do - you don't listen to yourself because you've been listening to too many of them; they don't listen to anyone but themselves. And this world needs more balance. So listen to yourself. Anyone out to victimize you is out to steal your energy. Humans are energetic beings and those who are controlling, dominating or manipulative are low on fuel and trying to top up by stealing your energy.
Everybody does it. No exceptions. It's why our system is structured the way it is, and why it's so fake. If everyone was using their own energy supply, then more people would be authentic and fewer would be energy vampires. This is the reason people want your attention : for an energy exchange. When the exchange is mutual and pleasant, that's great. But when the exchange is toxic, overbearing, domineering .... when there's a perpetrator and a victim - it's a toxic energy exchange and the victim is giving away energy unwillingly. The key to keeping your energy: don't react to bullies. Don't react to provocation. My father, a major energy vampire, used to laugh at me because he'd set me up to be upset all the time and I'd fall for it. Of course a kid is going to fall for it, but he didn't care. He had a perfect source of energy in me and he milked it whenever he needed to. Like I said, he'd set me up to become upset with him. Sometimes it took relatively little, like saying something he knew I'd react to, or laughing at me, or he would come home and explode in violent rages. Vampires tend to make everything about themselves. Nobody else matters. You're just a food source to them. This was all to take our energy because of course our focus was on him and as soon as that happens, you're giving someone your energy. He'd steal it in large amounts by making us fearful. Then he was quiet afterwards like nothing had happened. Completely calm but now we were nervous wrecks. Energy vampires know their victims and what sets them off. They study and they learn. This leads to two people engaging in repetitive, inauthentic relationships, enacting the same futile scenarios, experiencing the same emotions, exploding repetitively with anger, having fights, making up, having more fights, and then eventually breaking up when either one wises up or they both seek new energy sources. Their relationships often seem futile to me, but there is survival in what they're doing. The solution is to raise your vibration. Deal with negativity, such as if you feel like a victim you need to become assertive and more positive. This is one thing my mother and I went through over and over and over when I was younger.
My mother was extremely fearful and highly codependent. I wasn't. I was more of an explorer and eventually moved to England when I was 30 against my mother's will for me. She helped me get a mortgage on a home I didn't want, but I bought it because she wanted me to get it. Turns out this was because my brother needed a garage to work in when he came to visit in the summertime, and so they concocted a plan to sell the house to me without my knowing it, so that he could work there. One morning he showed up in my driveway and started working the garage as he'd always done before. After 5 years, I took matters into my own hands and sold the house, using the money to live in London England. This was during the times of the IRA bombings that I lived in London, and my mother was having conniptions fearing I would be killed in an IRA bombing. In fact the IRA was active for 25 years and there were only 115 deaths in all that time so the likelihood of them singling me out was pretty remote. In my mother's mind, this was a conceivable reality. My mother was terrified of having her kids grow up, for one thing, but then terrified of losing them which was her interpretation of our becoming adult - it had more to do with losing control over her energy source. I believe that her fear of feeling a normal range of emotions fed this fear, but the irony of that is that she lived with this anxiety always. Often people fear fear and this is what she was doing. This led to her being extremely controlling. Her inability to let go and let her children live led to a mass rebellion, which was initiated by me, of course. I was the inspiration for my siblings' standing up to my mother and her overwhelming fears which she tried to foist upon us by being extremely controlling of how we lived our lives. We'd all had enough of it. My mother alternated between extreme fear and being extremely demanding, controlling and manipulative. And this was for a couple reasons: she needed to control others in order to reduce her fears about them, and she needed to control others to gain an energy supply as hers was so depleted. She was a classic energy vampire and her vacillating between causing drama and chaos and then controlling us into erupting in fits was her way of replenishing the energy that was being taken primarily by my father. You can always tell who's the vampire and who's the victim when you see how people relate to one another. My father dominated my mother and she was submissive to him - he was the vampire and my mother was the victim. My mother tended to be the opposite with her kids - dominating and controlling us and so we were her victims. I sensed early on there was a definite pecking order in my family and it had to do with who was getting the most energy from the others. The two of highest energy were at the bottom of the heap. I was one of them and we supported the rest of the family energetically. My mother got a dog. And then a cat. They helped with her empty nest syndrome and helped to distract her from her fears, maybe even gave her some comfort, and they were her way of continuing to relate to my father who she only triangulated with. The pets became the focus of their conversations and the real issues went undealt with. Very sad. Rescuers see the world a particular way - they see everyone as being victims and they see the world as being in need of their help. Their high handed view of themselves, their moralistic outlook and sense of righteousness makes them see everyone as a victim and in need of their benevolence. This is a highly codependent role and one of the positions on the victim triangle.
Many people have made changes in their lives, not just the rescuers. However rescuers believe that their change is the only change that's good for humanity. Allowing others to live their own lives, make their own mistakes and pilot their own ships is not their style. Their nosiness, their meddling into your life is only done to gain evidence for their cause. My experience is that it has more to do with their ego validating their own path in life than it has to do with concern for others. I was accosted by such a person yesterday who attempted to convince me to go to his church, of course at the cost of 10% of my already low income in the plate every week. He feels Jesus is my solution but his belief is different than my own beliefs and sitting in a congregation of people who are only too willing to hard sell me on the merits of their way of life is not my way of spending an evening. Besides, I'm 60. I don't watch movies. What's out now isn't geared to my view of life; it's all to do with younger people. I'm not Hollywood's main market anymore and amen to that. I blatantly eschew any type of social influence in the name of authenticity - finding my true self. My steadfast refusal to be victimized and to stand in my own power is the fuel for my life, and I get stronger by the day. I'm not broken and I don't need fixing. This is worth repeating if you're ever accosted by the rescuer: you're fine, you can do this yourself and don't need to assume any person's way of life in order to become whole. And that's the truth: you don't. We're all on our individual paths and what you need to deal with is put before you daily. You don't need to be saved from your own life's path and your soul's choices for you. I held my ground, using the broken record technique with them. I guess it didn't hurt that I was becoming more and more agitated. I don't like to use anger as a weapon of assertion, but I was becoming frustrated with his insistence. I see attempts like this as absolute violations of others' free will. He wasn't offering, he was virtually insisting, and on his supposed concern for my well being. I resent the implication that I don't know what's good for me. I do. I have sought outside help when I needed it and it worked because it was what I was looking for. This is another problem with foisting your life's plan on another: they only will do what they are convinced will work for them. The old adage, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink," applies here. One person's way is not everyone's way. We are born to experience many things in progressive lifetimes and what you're doing one time may not be the next life's choice. I have dealt with meddlers before, those who are so sure they know better than I do what's good for myself, people who try to reinforce the idea that my own expression of myself is inadequate. I find many will claim expertise on things they have never done, or outright lie to give "proof" of the merits of their argument, some offer solutions that are inappropriate yet still insist they're the correct way (example of two aunties who wanted to accompany me on a job interview!) and none of them, without fail, ever waits to be asked before they launch into these control scenarios. This is a violation of one's free will, the most common in fact that many people do: they don't wait to be asked. Putting out a message to somebody that if they need help, you're available, and then waiting for them to ask you is the correct way to proceed with this - this is not a violation of others' free will. Codependency is. It's best to deal with your own feelings about what's going on with them and learn to let go of your fears over them. This may be in fact, what life is trying to show you. Self mastery over your own fears and need to control others. It takes restraint to allow others to walk their own path, especially when they're close to you. When you don't allow others this, you rob them of the experience of making their own mistakes and that feeling of winning when in fact they are successful. In the end, I ended up saying, "Thank you for your concern but I'm not interested," and he backed off. I believe this may have to do with the validation his ego is seeking from me: that he's right. He feels I was telling him that he is right, or at least that's what his ego believes, but I wasn't. My saying "I'm not interested," means I"m not interested because I'm wrong, to him and have chosen to continue this incorrect course in my life. The true hallmark of your beliefs is whether you can live with them totally alone or whether you need someone to agree with you. The former is true strength and authenticity; the latter is ego dominated beliefs. |
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