I just looked at my messages on Facebook, something I don't normally do because I get a lot of hate mail. Sure enough, there was a message from "Facebook User" who bothered to message me to complain about the fact that my man calls me, "My Love" in the work we put out to the public. I have another type of work I do and I involve my partner in it.
They actually were rude enough to ask, "Is that really necessary?" I know there's something in this that's coming up for me and it's that I have to just say it this way: "Why do you think I care enough about you to, first of all acknowledge your complaint, and secondly to comply with what you want? Do you really think that I actually CARE about you or your complaint? There's a great book on assertiveness called, "When I say No I Feel Guilty." Author Manuel Smith goes through a list of the your rights and one of those rights is the right TO NOT CARE. Why people message me with petty, miserable complaints like this and expect me to stop it for their sakes, I have no idea. I guess they think that they matter enough to me to get me to comply, when in fact they don't. Because I just say, "I don't care!" and carry on with it. If you don't like it, don't view our work. You do have the right to not care. Obviously, there are things that you would do for people out of common decency, like not scratching their car, or going out of your way to make them miserable, or jeopardizing their life to any extent. That's just common decency. But thinking that you personally matter to a total stranger is certainly not realistic behaviour, even one whose work involves helping others. The way I see it is if you can't be decent with me, then I will just ignore your complaints. These days there's so much focus on being unconditionally loving, being nice to everybody. Well, that goes two ways, as I see it. I do reserve the right to have compassion for you however. To be that socially miserable, you'd have to be in a lot of pain.
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When you're around people who threaten to leave you if you don't do as they wish, you're being manipulated.
When you're a child and are around people who are uninvolved in your upbringing, have a "couldn't care less" attitude, and who outright neglect your emotional needs, you're being set up to be a people pleaser. Your focus becomes meeting their emotional needs or risk being totally abandoned. Why would the child not think that? They're suffering from this much already - emotional neglect on a daily basis and a parent or parents who don't seem to care about them. Unfortunately many children who are abused suffer this at the hands of their caretakers. They have to please their parents otherwise run the risk of being abandoned, they believe. The reason they believe this is because of unreliable parenting. Inconsistent, unreliable, resentful, abusive parents make the child believe that they may be left behind if they don't do exactly as the parent wants. Of course, I'm speaking from experience. They believe people will abandon them if they show anything less of themselves than a perfect child. The child ends up suffering an extreme loss of self in doing this - with your needs constantly focused on pleasing others, you lose contact with your authentic self. This goes into adulthood as well. People are so focused on being perfect and looking good - looking good... why? To be acceptable. Why do you have to look good to be acceptable? Because you fear being left out, left behind or rejected. This is no way to treat another person and no way to treat yourself. Being a people pleaser is a good way to get more abuse. People sense you're there to please them and the less scrupulous of us will take advantage of this. The people pleaser has a lot of healing to do. They have to jump hurdles and face their fears, not the least of which is risking others' anger, risking others' displeasure, risking being fired from jobs, losing relationships, risking being ostracized but in the end - knowing yourself which is worth far more than any of the losses you might encounter, by the way. |
AuthorI have lived this nightmare and have overcome being a victim. Archives
March 2020
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