Expressing in the Negative - what you're really saying
They don't deserve that. I do deserve it. Neighbour buys a great big new 4x4. You jealously look and say, "They don't deserve to have that! They'll mistreat that car. They'll run it into the ground." What you're saying is, "I deserve to have a good car too. I deserve to have it because I take care of my cars." She's skinny because she smokes! You're saying you don't smoke and take care of yourself so you deserve to have a nice body too. He just got a promotion to Senior Paper Clip Shuffler!! What you're really saying: I deserve to have a promotion too. I work hard and I'm dedicated to this company's success so I deserve a promotion as well. You don't get what you want because you're too busy being envious of others that do. It's all about how you speak to the universe. You have to be able to say what it is you want and need and expect the universe to provide it out of love for you. Focus on the positive!
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Saw this meme on facebook and I was outraged!
This person is a predator. He believes others have to EARN his respect. Automatically he's scrutinizing others to see where he can exploit them. I've had that happen loads of times so I know that it does. He automatically positions himself in the superior position over women. People are respectable because THEY'RE ALIVE. That's the reason you should respect others. Just think about how different this world would be if people did that. All automatically offering their highest regards to others. What a different place we would live in! The positive side is at least this person is letting us know how he thinks and we can steer clear of him. Basing your respect of others on what they do, rather than on who they are is false. This is conditional love and it's part of the power over others structure. It is very unloving. Unfortunately we have to watch out for predatory others because we all don't think alike. Anyone avoiding being a victim again needs to heed messages like this one. Might be the title of my next book.
Victims make assumptions. That's how they become victimized. They don't check it out, find out, research or ask first before they assume everything is going to go the way they want it to. Making assumptions will always trip you up. Ten people have done this for you, so for sure the eleventh person will do the same. No they won't. These last 3 jobs have been so easy, surely the fourth job will be a cinch. Guess what? I believe making assumptions is something victims do because they have been disappointed in life. They have been disappointed by people who were supposed to be there for them, like their parents. They have been disappointed and because of that, they always assume that they'll never be disappointed again. Unfortunately, that's called deluding yourself. There is a way not to be disappointed again: understand that you've learned how to re-create that problem of being disappointed by making assumptions. After all, all children rightly assume that their parents will meet their needs. It's just natural to expect that. However, how many people can say that their parents were 100% perfect for them all of the time? Yeah, not that many. You wouldn't be reading this if they had been. You made the assumption, and of course no fault to you in that, and you continue to make assumptions with others expecting them to be the parents you didn't have. You blind yourself to the reality of being disappointed again by making an assumption, but in fact you are setting yourself up for further disappointment by not checking it out with others first. I once had a friend who was a sweet guy. He was a great photographer. He and I would go on little trips with our cameras and he'd give me tips on how to take better shots. He was around my age so it would have been easy to assume that he was interested in a further relationship. HOWEVER, I didn't make that assumption. It was awkward but on one of our jaunts I asked him outright, "So, what are we doing here?" He asked, "Whaa?" First not understanding. I asked him outright, "Are we friends or are we working on something more for ourselves?" "Oh!" he said, "I'm just interested in friendship." And you know what? That was great. We were great friends and he was a dear friend to me. And boy, was he a good cook! Wow! It was okay and I saved myself a load of victim pain by asking. Who else would you be attracted to? People who can't or won't meet your needs. This is how you got to be a victim in the first place. For one reason or another, you associated and interrelated with someone(s) who wouldn't meet your needs.
As they say, "it's the devil you know." You have to move out of your comfort zone as a recovering victim, because your comfort zone is uncomfortable, frustrated, stressed out, victimized and unhappy. THAT is the devil you know. THAT is your comfort zone. I get people all the time who just start emailing me or texting me with their requests. They automatically assume I"m going to be happy to fulfill their needs and wants. People have limits. They have their own paths, they have their own work, they have their own priorities and time constraints. The way out of this problem of always going to people who won't meet your needs is first of all, to embrace the reality of life and understand that all people are not all things to everyone. People are limited in their physical capacities. And to be honest, listening to the woes of a victim is something many people don't want to do because they understand that it's a lifestyle for the victim, and once they start listening it will be uncomfortable for them to get out of it. You may not understand others but they may well understand chronic victimhood. The other way out of this problem is to ASK someone first of all if they would be available to you. It's that simple. Don't just send emails expecting support. Ask if the person would like to support you, if they're available and you will either get a "no, sorry" or they'll ask in what capacity and negotiate with you. People expect others to be there for them in unlimited capacities. Fact is, they can't be. How to get some people to get off their butts and fulfill the promises they made to you:
I got a second hand washer and dryer. My super took the initiative and got them for me without my asking, then said the washer needed to be repaired. It's been sitting for the last 6 weeks, unrepaired. So I text him and tell him just now that if he doesn't fix it soon, I'll have it repaired and the bill will come off of my rent. He just texted to order the replacement part. People have loads of good intentions but they fall short of the mark all the time. Sometimes a little strongarm tactical is what you need to get the job done. The rest of the repairs I don't care about. I don't bother nagging people. That's never effective anyway. The other tip: You have to be prepared to not be liked. If you're a people pleaser, this will be hard for you. Not only that, these people will remember they don't have to take what you want seriously. |
AuthorI have lived this nightmare and have overcome being a victim. Archives
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