I think this one is obvious. You want the abuse to stop, don't you?
If you're allowing others to pity you, this just keeps you in the victim position, less than others position. Is that what you want? Others to always look down on you? Compassion is a bit better. People who are compassionate allow you to learn your lessons and their hearts may ache for you but they don't interfere. You need boundaries. You need to learn to say "No, That's not okay! I won't accept that and that's too bad for you!" You need to understand that you count too. Speaking your mind only confirms that you count.
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Not all boundary violators use bully tactics to break your boundaries. These are obvious perpetrators.
Some use a softer approach, using passivity or submission to violate your boundaries. "I hope you don't mind that I use your email address other than what you specified." DON'T BE FOOLED BY THIS BOUNDARY VIOLATOR. The victim and the perpetrator are on the same vibrational frequency and they can switch positions in a second. I find people who fear rejection tend to put themselves into positions of being easily rejected, and this is either part of their learning or part of being dysfunctional. The guy who sent me the love poetry (like gazillions of poems) the other day used this tactic. People will sneak in under your boundaries but the VERY FACT that they don't honour your free will means they are part of the "power over others" system. That very fact alone. A boundary violator is a boundary violator. Whether they to to sneak under your boundaries or blast through them, manipulate you with guilt or shame, it doesn't matter. They are trying to gain power over you to foist their agenda onto you. If their agenda were to give me a million dollars, they would have it returned to them. I DO NOT deal with boundary violators. Anyone who violates your boundaries has the potential to be very abusive. Some aren't. But some are. And violating your boundaries is only the first red flag you should be paying attention to. A guy sent me an email full of love poetry the other day. He'd used the form on my website for something other than what I'd specified it was to be used for, so I binned his email and set my account to trash any other email he should try to send me. I DON'T DEAL WITH BOUNDARY VIOLATORS. I've known too many in my past and I've learned my lesson. This list is NOT all inclusive. There is lots more.
Yup Watch your boundaries. Where are you in others' heads? Where do you let them into yours? If you take control of another's life, are you willing then to take responsibility for whatever happens to them? Do you ASK another person first before foisting your demands on them? Do you automatically expect others to take care of your needs without their having said they would? Do you respect others' free will to be themselves and to take charge of their own lives or do you interfere, thinking you know better? Do you give advice even when it was never asked for? Do you automatically assume people don't know what they're doing and they need your help rather than understanding we're all at different levels on our own paths? Do you believe that others' irritating behaviours are faults of theirs you have to control or do you believe that you need to change your reaction if you find it irritating? Are you capable of disconnecting, of not reacting to others' behaviours? Do you label them as annoying when in fact it is you that gets annoyed and it might not bother anyone else? Are you detached from others' behaviours that used to trigger you or still reacting? Do you judge others and yourself because you're afraid of not being perfect? Do you attack others before they get a chance to attack you first? Do you spend the day pointing out others' faults rather than compassionately looking at your own? When energies are up and you get moody, do you restrain yourself or lash out at anything including coffee mugs, slow computers and toilet paper that's rolling the wrong way? Do you allow other people to "make mistakes" or to try and fail, which is part of the natural process of life? Or do you step in and take control because you think you know best for them. Do people resent you? Do they get annoyed with you? Could you stop for a moment and look at what you might be doing that makes them respond to you that way or do you see it all as their shortcoming and just blame them? Do you just blame others? Is everything everyone else's fault and never any of yours? Are you perfect or are you just completely defended against seeing any of your own shortcomings out of fear of looking inadequate? Do you argue with others? Do you believe that you need to dominate others in a festival of opinions or do you value your peace more and believe others are entitled to their own opinion? Do you ever consider you could be wrong and others could be right? Do you see everything in black and whites, like yes/no, positive/negative, I do/I don't ever.... or can you look at the shades of grey in between? Do you compromise with others? Is it always your way? I can go on. This is only the beginning of how hard I've had to and continue to look at myself. Do you allow yourself to be manipulated? When neighbours come over looking for sex do you fall for their attempts to keep you from diverting off topic by saying that your cat looks healthy when its hair is falling out? Do you allow their cheap talk of "your apartment looks nice, I could be very comfortable in here," without seeing their true agenda of trying to get laid? Do you not see what people are trying to pull over on you and fall for it every time? This leads to poor self esteem, by the way. Do you think people are basically honest or liars? Can you tell the difference. The way to tell the difference is to be honest yourself by the way. Do you fall for flattery? Do you soak up people's insincere compliments while you allow them to run their manipulative agenda on you? Or can you tell the difference? Do you believe there's no such thing as just liking a person for who they are? Do you believe that the only friends are people who can do something you can't and you expect to manipulate them into doing this by befriending them? Do you try to trick people? Do you tell people what they're supposed to think of you, or do you let them make up their own opinions, even if they end up hating you. Do you believe that when someone tells you about you that it's really you they're talking about or a reflection of themselves? You have the right to say "no" without explaining yourself. This means you don't have to come up with "a good reason why" you're saying no.
Controlling people will put you on the defensive by interrogating you into giving them a good reason why you're saying "no". Fact is, they're doing it so they can break down your resistance and then manipulate you into doing what you don't want. These manipulations can often include assaults on your character, bringing up things they did for you when you needed them (sometimes exaggerated and drawn out to justify their current need now. For example if they've only done one thing for you ever, they'll keep repeating that one thing and exaggerating its importance to you.) I always say arguing in futile and this would bear that up. Arguing is a game of dominance. You have the right to assert yourself, to repeat the word "no" with no explanation and you also have the right to walk away. Who else would you be attracted to? People who can't or won't meet your needs. This is how you got to be a victim in the first place. For one reason or another, you associated and interrelated with someone(s) who wouldn't meet your needs.
As they say, "it's the devil you know." You have to move out of your comfort zone as a recovering victim, because your comfort zone is uncomfortable, frustrated, stressed out, victimized and unhappy. THAT is the devil you know. THAT is your comfort zone. I get people all the time who just start emailing me or texting me with their requests. They automatically assume I"m going to be happy to fulfill their needs and wants. People have limits. They have their own paths, they have their own work, they have their own priorities and time constraints. The way out of this problem of always going to people who won't meet your needs is first of all, to embrace the reality of life and understand that all people are not all things to everyone. People are limited in their physical capacities. And to be honest, listening to the woes of a victim is something many people don't want to do because they understand that it's a lifestyle for the victim, and once they start listening it will be uncomfortable for them to get out of it. You may not understand others but they may well understand chronic victimhood. The other way out of this problem is to ASK someone first of all if they would be available to you. It's that simple. Don't just send emails expecting support. Ask if the person would like to support you, if they're available and you will either get a "no, sorry" or they'll ask in what capacity and negotiate with you. People expect others to be there for them in unlimited capacities. Fact is, they can't be. The first time I came across this concept was in the Four Agreements, by Manuel Ruiz. Because of my empathy, I still struggle with people who project at me. People tell you who they are when they speak to you, not who you are.
Can other people know more about you than you know about yourself? Ultimately the answer is no. They can only relate to you through their own filters, their own experiences, and in the case of those who haven't done inner work, through their own subconscious programming which comes down from their parents. This is the programming people run on autopilot with, unexamined thinking and consequential behaviour. My super keeps coming over to finish the repairs on my apartment. He keeps trying to fix me. He's codependent and the type of person who enjoys helping others. That's great. When others want his help. When they don't want his help, it's not appreciated and then you're dealing with a boundary violator. I don't appreciate someone coming over and telling me to change my life. How can anyone do that because they're not me, they don't understand who I am, they don't understand what I'm dealing with. There's a lot about me this guy doesn't understand - he's looking at me from a superficial perspective. Yet he still does it. He comes over and tells me to change my life. What he's doing is giving me practise in not blowing up. I used to explode before whenever people would do things like this. Or even argue with them, which is only engaging and encouraging them. Which is really the wrong tactic to use because then you're triggered. I sat there yesterday while he tried to fix me again, quietly letting him talk, then I changed the subject to the reason he came in in the first place. Do I find it annoying? Yes, I do. But I didn't blow up. Self control is self mastery. If it weren't for boundary violators we would never master our emotions and thoughts but in fact we have to. That's the point of life. He is telling me who he is - a meddler that minds other people's business. He is doing this in order to escape from his own problems which plague him. He fancies himself superior to others. I look for other evidence of this: one example would be his snorting when I said I have better things to do than hang out in the kitchen and cook. He believes that every woman should live in their kitchen, apparently. So many play at this game. The "I'm better than you are," game which to some gives them the right to either fix you, talk down to you, bully you, gossip about you, laugh at you, swell their pride, and more. Fact is, like I said, he has NO idea who I am and no idea of the fact I'm perfectly capable of fixing my own problems. People tell you about themselves; not about you. How does this affect the empath? You're around people who are projecting low vibrational energy at you. It's best to shield yourself from things like this or occasionally meditate and run higher vibrational energy through your body. Cutting cords is also very handy. I've been writing and thinking about him, so I'll cut cords now, for example. How to get some people to get off their butts and fulfill the promises they made to you:
I got a second hand washer and dryer. My super took the initiative and got them for me without my asking, then said the washer needed to be repaired. It's been sitting for the last 6 weeks, unrepaired. So I text him and tell him just now that if he doesn't fix it soon, I'll have it repaired and the bill will come off of my rent. He just texted to order the replacement part. People have loads of good intentions but they fall short of the mark all the time. Sometimes a little strongarm tactical is what you need to get the job done. The rest of the repairs I don't care about. I don't bother nagging people. That's never effective anyway. The other tip: You have to be prepared to not be liked. If you're a people pleaser, this will be hard for you. Not only that, these people will remember they don't have to take what you want seriously. Unaware reaction to others: Listen to their problems, try to help them with their problems (perhaps not realizing that they are chronic and their problems define them as victims and that they are energy vampires and do no inner work.)
Aware reaction: Ask yourself how do you feel hearing these ultra personal details with someone you just met. Ask yourself how you feel in conversation with this person - is this something you enjoy? Understanding that people usually put their best face on when meeting new people, ask yourself why is this person telling you all these personal details and complaining so much only the third time you've ever spoken to them. Ask yourself "Do I want to still be doing this in 10 years?" because you're going to be if you allow it. People show you where their boundaries are right off the bat. Listen to the way they complain about their interaction with others to understand how they plan on interacting with you. Look at their inability to understand their relationships because they don't do their inner work, and then ask yourself do you want to be caught up in the same chaos they've ensnared others with? Is this what you want? Because it's what you're going to get. How dominating are they? How submissive are they? Are they going to try to control you or are they going to try to create a dependency and never make a move without your say-so? How come they're telling a complete stranger these personal details? Do you feel comfortable with that? Then ask yourself, "What is this showing me about myself? How did I co-create this? What purpose is this serving in my life and how can I learn from it? What is it I need to know? Boundaries are indicative of who we are. They are very personal.
The problem with the victim’s boundaries is they are set where SOMEONE else wants them to be, not where YOU want them to be. Consequently, you suffer from a poor sense of self and spend your time seeking the validation of others because others were the ones who defined you in the first place. As a child, your first experience of life was your parents and as an adult your experience of life is still your parents but everyone else as well. So as an adult, you have more people showing you where you need to set boundaries and when your boundaries are weak, there are many volunteers to help in this process, I’ve found. If you’ve had abusive parents, like I did, you have boundaries and a sense of self that is defined by other people and works for other people like your abusers – not for you. Redefining your boundaries is about understanding who you are, what you like and what you don’t like. This may sound like a daunting process, but think of it as one that is cut up into 24 hour periods called days. Each day you get to work on your boundaries. Whatever comes in front of you from day to day is your opportunity to redefine your boundaries and to understand who you really are. Of course, that’s another process. There is defining who you are in relation to society and others, and then there is going deeper and understanding who you are in relation to only yourself. That’s the process I’m on now. Not everyone will choose to do that in a lifetime. I have. Other people will try to change your boundaries. Those abusive others who enjoyed being able to take advantage of you will fight and argue with you to “prove” to you that your boundaries are better off where they were, not where you want them to be. They are interfering in your process of self-determination and ultimate happiness. I haven’t had too many who have taught me to have better boundaries who are still in my life now. The people in my life now reflect my better, more loving boundaries. They don’t argue and fight with me when I set a limit. I have enough friends with good boundaries that I don’t need to tolerate anything less, and I don’t. If you are a giver, please learn your limits because takers don't have any.
Exploitative people come in all shapes, ages and sizes. Mine were my parents, who, because they were energy vampires, pushed the boundaries far back of their kids to make us totally malleable to their will. Very far back, all the way to completely dysfunctional. Then my mother would call me a sucker. Part of that was because I was gentle and loving, and she had taken on this (false) macho attitude of being tough, which frankly she sucked at, everyone could see through it. The other reason was because her admonishing me for anything was the equivalent of her celebrating with delight that she had actually managed to pull off what she was trying to do with us kids - make victims out of us. She would then spend many years switching between perpetrator and rescuer, saving me from whatever financial crisis I had created through being a victim (yes, you can be a money victim, many people are. The system is set up to facilitate this happening to you. And debt is a big part of that!) But what I really needed was to experience the consequences of what I had created and to get myself out of them, and as I was saying in my other post, rescuers never allow you to experience the pain of what you've done incorrectly, sometimes for the reason that they don't want to see you suffer, and other times for the reason that this is one more chance to laud their supposed superiority over you. Take note that they are NOT superior to you - you are simply engaged in an imbalanced relationship. And my mother never ceased to tell me how much better she was at everything than I was, yet all the meanwhile remaining secretly (again, another thing she was poor at) jealous of me. So I had much firsthand experience with exploitative vampires in my parents, and they were joined by other experts later on. I learned from these people how to set boundaries. Instead of learning them as a child, I learned to set boundaries as an adult, but better late than never I say. I knew when something asked for was more than I was willing to provide and I had to learn to respect that voice inside myself that said, "This isn't okay. I don't want to do this." I was very susceptible to violation of all kinds and that included sexual, so a few perverts who got too close along the way helped me to understand that I could set boundaries. One thing I always found about boundary setting is that it's easier to start with someone who's not as "emotionally charged" for you. In other words, a stranger, someone you have no emotional attachment to, like you would a parent or a family member. It's easier to start with the shoemaker who asks if he can kiss you (yes, that happened to me), or telling the pervert stalking you at the outside event to eff off when he stands so close to you that you can sense him in your energy field (or feel his breath on the back of your head if you're not so psychically inclined.) It's easy to start to feel successful at boundary setting when the stakes aren't so high - when what you say won't change your relationship, that what you say won't rattle the fears you have of rocking the boat, when what you say has little consequence for you except getting that feeling of a win, and the joy of feeling more power. Many takers don't have limits. Their limit is everything they can get you for. Some, not so much. But the fact is, that doesn't matter. Why not? Because you're not to focus on others. You need to learn to focus on your feelings and what comes up for YOU, and if your response is, "hmmm.....well, uhhhh...." If you're hesitant in any way, or now, with your new knowledge, you understand this could be a shady area for you, then it's best to wait with a reply or to just say no right then. Of course the taker will continue to try to break down your boundaries and you will have to continue to say no. Like the other day when an acquaintance tried to get me to consider going to his church, I repeated the word "no" adamantly, because I know that I don't want to attend a church. However, when you're just coming out of a state of being used by your parents as I was, or you're just learning to boundary-set, your sense of self isn't that strong because you've been ignoring it, so your ability to set boundaries will most likely be a bit weak in the beginning. You may not be sure how you feel. So that's okay - give yourself time and either tell the asker no straight away or say, "Come back tomorrow. I need to think about it." Of course the asker will say, "What's to think about?" They will then proceed to give you a hard sell on their idea. This is all the more reason to say no because they're not listening to you. Do you want to have another interaction with another person who doesn't listen to you? Haven't you had enough of that already? Boundary violators, energy vampires and exploitative types (perpetrators) don't listen to you - they listen to what they want. They have the opposite problem that you do - you don't listen to yourself because you've been listening to too many of them; they don't listen to anyone but themselves. And this world needs more balance. So listen to yourself. |
AuthorI have lived this nightmare and have overcome being a victim. Archives
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