The first time I came across this concept was in the Four Agreements, by Manuel Ruiz. Because of my empathy, I still struggle with people who project at me. People tell you who they are when they speak to you, not who you are.
Can other people know more about you than you know about yourself? Ultimately the answer is no. They can only relate to you through their own filters, their own experiences, and in the case of those who haven't done inner work, through their own subconscious programming which comes down from their parents. This is the programming people run on autopilot with, unexamined thinking and consequential behaviour. My super keeps coming over to finish the repairs on my apartment. He keeps trying to fix me. He's codependent and the type of person who enjoys helping others. That's great. When others want his help. When they don't want his help, it's not appreciated and then you're dealing with a boundary violator. I don't appreciate someone coming over and telling me to change my life. How can anyone do that because they're not me, they don't understand who I am, they don't understand what I'm dealing with. There's a lot about me this guy doesn't understand - he's looking at me from a superficial perspective. Yet he still does it. He comes over and tells me to change my life. What he's doing is giving me practise in not blowing up. I used to explode before whenever people would do things like this. Or even argue with them, which is only engaging and encouraging them. Which is really the wrong tactic to use because then you're triggered. I sat there yesterday while he tried to fix me again, quietly letting him talk, then I changed the subject to the reason he came in in the first place. Do I find it annoying? Yes, I do. But I didn't blow up. Self control is self mastery. If it weren't for boundary violators we would never master our emotions and thoughts but in fact we have to. That's the point of life. He is telling me who he is - a meddler that minds other people's business. He is doing this in order to escape from his own problems which plague him. He fancies himself superior to others. I look for other evidence of this: one example would be his snorting when I said I have better things to do than hang out in the kitchen and cook. He believes that every woman should live in their kitchen, apparently. So many play at this game. The "I'm better than you are," game which to some gives them the right to either fix you, talk down to you, bully you, gossip about you, laugh at you, swell their pride, and more. Fact is, like I said, he has NO idea who I am and no idea of the fact I'm perfectly capable of fixing my own problems. People tell you about themselves; not about you. How does this affect the empath? You're around people who are projecting low vibrational energy at you. It's best to shield yourself from things like this or occasionally meditate and run higher vibrational energy through your body. Cutting cords is also very handy. I've been writing and thinking about him, so I'll cut cords now, for example.
0 Comments
When you're around people who threaten to leave you if you don't do as they wish, you're being manipulated.
When you're a child and are around people who are uninvolved in your upbringing, have a "couldn't care less" attitude, and who outright neglect your emotional needs, you're being set up to be a people pleaser. Your focus becomes meeting their emotional needs or risk being totally abandoned. Why would the child not think that? They're suffering from this much already - emotional neglect on a daily basis and a parent or parents who don't seem to care about them. Unfortunately many children who are abused suffer this at the hands of their caretakers. They have to please their parents otherwise run the risk of being abandoned, they believe. The reason they believe this is because of unreliable parenting. Inconsistent, unreliable, resentful, abusive parents make the child believe that they may be left behind if they don't do exactly as the parent wants. Of course, I'm speaking from experience. They believe people will abandon them if they show anything less of themselves than a perfect child. The child ends up suffering an extreme loss of self in doing this - with your needs constantly focused on pleasing others, you lose contact with your authentic self. This goes into adulthood as well. People are so focused on being perfect and looking good - looking good... why? To be acceptable. Why do you have to look good to be acceptable? Because you fear being left out, left behind or rejected. This is no way to treat another person and no way to treat yourself. Being a people pleaser is a good way to get more abuse. People sense you're there to please them and the less scrupulous of us will take advantage of this. The people pleaser has a lot of healing to do. They have to jump hurdles and face their fears, not the least of which is risking others' anger, risking others' displeasure, risking being fired from jobs, losing relationships, risking being ostracized but in the end - knowing yourself which is worth far more than any of the losses you might encounter, by the way. How to get some people to get off their butts and fulfill the promises they made to you:
I got a second hand washer and dryer. My super took the initiative and got them for me without my asking, then said the washer needed to be repaired. It's been sitting for the last 6 weeks, unrepaired. So I text him and tell him just now that if he doesn't fix it soon, I'll have it repaired and the bill will come off of my rent. He just texted to order the replacement part. People have loads of good intentions but they fall short of the mark all the time. Sometimes a little strongarm tactical is what you need to get the job done. The rest of the repairs I don't care about. I don't bother nagging people. That's never effective anyway. The other tip: You have to be prepared to not be liked. If you're a people pleaser, this will be hard for you. Not only that, these people will remember they don't have to take what you want seriously. For the victim, they have been misled by the ego's of others to behave in certain ways that are based on self-sacrifice.
I was taught as a child, for example, that I was to sacrifice my sense of good self, to sacrifice my time, my money, my self esteem and everything else I had in order to allow others the free use of and benefit of it. This played out for many years until I finally put my foot down and decided I'd had enough of self sacrifice. People who are taught to sacrifice themselves become martyrs and are generally looked down upon in our "dog eat dog" culture. They are not respected for being the givers that they are. Those who get and take are the ones at the top of our food chain, not the ones who sacrifice. How many times have you heard people talking about "slaving to get their pay check," or just complaining about life in general? How much work they do and how little thanks they get? These people are victims and martyrs who have developed a false sense of self esteem based upon sacrificing for others. Rebuilding self esteem, recovering from victimhood and martyrdom can be done. There is one simple little word that speaks volumes. It is "no". Learn to say it if you're tired of being taken advantage of because this is what martyrdom leads to. I have no problem with philanthropy, charitable giving or any other act of kindness, however there are circumstances that they must be performed under. If it is under duress, trickery, a false sense of kindness, a sense of superiority, or any other egotistical situation, I'm not about receiving anything from anyone and I won't give under these conditions either. I have returned donations from people I have been at odds with because they expected me to martyr myself. Giving and receiving in good will is of priority to me. If you are forced to do something for someone out of a sense of obligation, or fear that you may not be seen as nice, even by yourself, then you have to take a second look at that. There are many who give open-heartedly because they are loving people. But to give out of a sense of martydom does no good for the martyr nor the others who take from them. My mother was such a person, a terrible martyr, who despised all the work she had to do and let you know it too, and I still feel like I had taken advantage of her. She clearly didn't want to be in the circumstances she was, and gave out of a sense of obligation, not love. That's just a true statement. There's really no explanation needed, is there?
Complaining to someone chronically, listening to someone complain for hours on end, like I did yesterday, is verbally abusing them. Everyone has problems now and then, but creating relationships based on your need to complain to them is just toxic. People do it. I have a person who's interested in friendship who I'm about to give the heave-ho because this is what she did yesterday. I will tell her and I will tell her why. People think it's loving to listen to others' problems. It's not. It's abusive towards others to complain chronically. I use the time to understand how they plan on treating me in future and making an assessment of whether I want to be their friend or not. What about the listener? What do they get back from you? Complaining - holding the attention of another person for hours on end - is an attempt by an energy vampire to gain back the energy they're missing by not doing their inner work. Vampires have poor soul connection, and as a result, they vampire energy by using tactics like complaining for hours. The vampire will always focus outwards, never inwards. They know there is no energy there. So they hunt by either reeling in the unaware, or trying to change people in relationships to suit themselves. They manipulate, they use guilt to make you feel sorry for them, and they give nothing back for everything they have stolen from you. They are energy thieves. And believe me, there are many of them in this world. Taker: Yeah, let's get together again as soon as possible!!
Giver: Meh. This is when you know you're with an energy vampire and this person is bleeding your life force from you. Cut cords and cut off the relationship. Believe your feelings. They're not lying to you. We are energy sensors and we know when it's been siphoned off. Unaware reaction to others: Listen to their problems, try to help them with their problems (perhaps not realizing that they are chronic and their problems define them as victims and that they are energy vampires and do no inner work.)
Aware reaction: Ask yourself how do you feel hearing these ultra personal details with someone you just met. Ask yourself how you feel in conversation with this person - is this something you enjoy? Understanding that people usually put their best face on when meeting new people, ask yourself why is this person telling you all these personal details and complaining so much only the third time you've ever spoken to them. Ask yourself "Do I want to still be doing this in 10 years?" because you're going to be if you allow it. People show you where their boundaries are right off the bat. Listen to the way they complain about their interaction with others to understand how they plan on interacting with you. Look at their inability to understand their relationships because they don't do their inner work, and then ask yourself do you want to be caught up in the same chaos they've ensnared others with? Is this what you want? Because it's what you're going to get. How dominating are they? How submissive are they? Are they going to try to control you or are they going to try to create a dependency and never make a move without your say-so? How come they're telling a complete stranger these personal details? Do you feel comfortable with that? Then ask yourself, "What is this showing me about myself? How did I co-create this? What purpose is this serving in my life and how can I learn from it? What is it I need to know? One thing the victim always seeks is a rescuer. And it's absolutely rampant how women support each other in their positions of victim and rescuer. Whenever I'm asked to, I decline. I've had three or four conversations with a woman who's just moved in who is a victim, energy vampire and a codependent. She came to my house and asked me to give her one of my flowers. I said they were $5 at the local market. I don't like when people enter my house and start shopping. I've had too many do it already. I went over there today and listened for 3 hours about her talking about the break-up of this guy she swears she loves. The guy backed off in fear and she can't figure out why. She figures he's hurt and can't commit. After speaking to her several times, I realize that she dominates her relationships. The victim is also the potential perpetrator if you allow her to be. She is an energy vampire. I wrote her a Dear John letter saying I'm not interested in pursuing friendship and I told her exactly why. I don't want to wait until next weekend when I'm due for another ear-busting session about how awful she feels. Victims have problems because they can't solve them. They have relationship problems because they're victims and codependents. Other people's problems are not your problems. You can help them as you choose to. If you don't want to, you don't have to. There's no law that says you have to help someone. There's also no law that says you have to build a friendship that drains you, and that's what this one will be if I allow it. You do learn to see the forest coming. It takes experience. It's called being kind to yourself. If you've been raised as a good girl or boy, you will battle feelings of not being nice. That's okay. Accept that this will come up but hold your ground. Don't let the past manipulate you into a lousy future. There are people who have problems and there are people whose lives are an ongoing drama. There are people out there whose lives aren't constant chaos. Wait to find them. I can’t relate to a functional family so I don’t know if there is a power structure within functional, healthy families but I can tell you there certainly is in a dysfunctional one.
I’ll use my own as an example. The reason there are power structures is for the sake of vampiring energy. Children are a good source of energy because they’re not so damaged and energy blocked as adults are. So in the dysfunctional codependent family, there is a power over others structure in place. The higher energy ones (all people are not created equal, they should have equal rights, but some are of higher soul energy than others) are at the bottom of the food chain. The higher the food chain goes, the lower the energetic capacity of the family member. The higher you go, the more needy the member is. Middle energy members are in the middle ranks and since they possess less to give to the low energy dysfunctional parents, they are more coveted than their higher energy siblings and receive more positive attention from the parents. The higher energy siblings are used as food sources for energy vampiring parents, with chaotic scenarios created in order to rob these children of their precious life energy. They receive more of the negative energy of the parents in exchange for their positive life energy. They are literally being used as a food source and supporting the entire family energetically. People exchange energy all the time because we ARE energy. Matter is only energy slowed down enough to be able to be perceived as solid. We are energetic beings in reality, with much access to the higher energies of life – until we block it off by becoming dysfunctional. I have noticed my sister, who was in the middle ground, make strides in changing herself with seemingly little effort whereas for me, it took moving mountains to make the same progress. Why? I was one of the higher energy children who suffered from more vampiring attacks. In my family of 6, my parents were most dysfunctional (both narcissists) in need of energy to sustain them. They were also in control of the family to get their energetic needs met. My younger brother was the apple of their eye as he was the only boy who could carry on the family name, which is pure egotism. My older sister was next, in the middle. She tried to protect the other kids from my father’s rampages and for this she was abused, but otherwise didn’t suffer as much as we did. My mother also didn’t use her as a sounding board for all her complaints like she did me. At the bottom were me and my older autistic brother, who suffered the most abuse from my father. My older brother is very high energy like I am. |
AuthorI have lived this nightmare and have overcome being a victim. Archives
March 2020
Categories
All
|