Life can be hurtful. We were scared, hurt and confused as children, particularly if we were abused. This was the time we were building our false masks, the ones we hoped to create to fool people into thinking we were acceptable. We hoped that when we changed our behaviour, we would never have to feel that way again. If we couldn't change our behaviour to make others change theirs, we created defenses to try to stop the pain.
We would attack and criticize others in return. We would judge them as being insufficient or worse. We would compare ourselves to them and find them lacking. Other defenses we created: we'd minimize the importance of things, we'd maximize the importance of others. I remember as a kid, school and my nice teachers were my heros and I did my best to garner positive attention from them because my parents were so horrible. I did well in school, at least earlier on. Then my focus changed to boys, but that's a whole other story. I did my best to gain acceptance from kind people to tell myself my parents were wrong. We deny things are happening. I had neighbours recently, three people who lived together, a mother, an autistic daughter and her tweaker boyfriend. The tweaker would erupt in violent fits, hitting the girl and causing havoc in the house. Neighbours would call the police because his behaviour was disturbing the peace. I'd see the mother out the next day, doing laundry and housework like nothing had ever happened. My thoughts were, "You should be running," but clearly this level of dysfunction was something she was used to and used denial to keep herself in it. We are always acceptable and it's time to take the mask off. Everything you criticize anyone else for, ask if you're doing the same to yourself. Are you projecting your stuff? Judgment and criticism are two ways people project all the time. The other that I can think of is comparisons - comparing yourself to others is an ego defense. For the seeker, who wants to know themself at soul level, this is a gold mine, a treasure trove of information that can be gleaned daily if one is willing to do the work. If you look at others and criticize their appearance - do you criticize your appearance? Do you compare yourself as being better than others? If you do it's because you fear you're not. The ego has to be called out on all this stuff. These are ego games you play with yourself in order to buoy your sagging self esteem. If you want real self esteem, get through your shadow and connect with your soul. People want to know how to become more spiritual. It's simple - look at your daily life. It's all there. You don't have to do anything special - just look at yourself. Have the humility to feel your feelings, understand your defenses against feeling hurt, feeling fear, and the defenses you set up in order to allow yourself to continue to carry on with negative habits you'd be better off without. When you criticize another for being fat, it's because you know you are but you're putting your attention on to another person instead of taking a hard look at yourself and feeling the feelings of having failed yourself. Directing your attention to others completely circumnavigates the normal process of trying to improve oneself. We feel shame thinking we're admitting failure. But the only failure is not trying.
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AuthorI have lived this nightmare and have overcome being a victim. Archives
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