When you're around people who threaten to leave you if you don't do as they wish, you're being manipulated.
When you're a child and are around people who are uninvolved in your upbringing, have a "couldn't care less" attitude, and who outright neglect your emotional needs, you're being set up to be a people pleaser. Your focus becomes meeting their emotional needs or risk being totally abandoned. Why would the child not think that? They're suffering from this much already - emotional neglect on a daily basis and a parent or parents who don't seem to care about them. Unfortunately many children who are abused suffer this at the hands of their caretakers. They have to please their parents otherwise run the risk of being abandoned, they believe. The reason they believe this is because of unreliable parenting. Inconsistent, unreliable, resentful, abusive parents make the child believe that they may be left behind if they don't do exactly as the parent wants. Of course, I'm speaking from experience. They believe people will abandon them if they show anything less of themselves than a perfect child. The child ends up suffering an extreme loss of self in doing this - with your needs constantly focused on pleasing others, you lose contact with your authentic self. This goes into adulthood as well. People are so focused on being perfect and looking good - looking good... why? To be acceptable. Why do you have to look good to be acceptable? Because you fear being left out, left behind or rejected. This is no way to treat another person and no way to treat yourself. Being a people pleaser is a good way to get more abuse. People sense you're there to please them and the less scrupulous of us will take advantage of this. The people pleaser has a lot of healing to do. They have to jump hurdles and face their fears, not the least of which is risking others' anger, risking others' displeasure, risking being fired from jobs, losing relationships, risking being ostracized but in the end - knowing yourself which is worth far more than any of the losses you might encounter, by the way.
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AuthorI have lived this nightmare and have overcome being a victim. Archives
March 2020
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