I think this one is obvious. You want the abuse to stop, don't you?
If you're allowing others to pity you, this just keeps you in the victim position, less than others position. Is that what you want? Others to always look down on you? Compassion is a bit better. People who are compassionate allow you to learn your lessons and their hearts may ache for you but they don't interfere. You need boundaries. You need to learn to say "No, That's not okay! I won't accept that and that's too bad for you!" You need to understand that you count too. Speaking your mind only confirms that you count.
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Not all boundary violators use bully tactics to break your boundaries. These are obvious perpetrators.
Some use a softer approach, using passivity or submission to violate your boundaries. "I hope you don't mind that I use your email address other than what you specified." DON'T BE FOOLED BY THIS BOUNDARY VIOLATOR. The victim and the perpetrator are on the same vibrational frequency and they can switch positions in a second. I find people who fear rejection tend to put themselves into positions of being easily rejected, and this is either part of their learning or part of being dysfunctional. The guy who sent me the love poetry (like gazillions of poems) the other day used this tactic. People will sneak in under your boundaries but the VERY FACT that they don't honour your free will means they are part of the "power over others" system. That very fact alone. A boundary violator is a boundary violator. Whether they to to sneak under your boundaries or blast through them, manipulate you with guilt or shame, it doesn't matter. They are trying to gain power over you to foist their agenda onto you. If their agenda were to give me a million dollars, they would have it returned to them. I DO NOT deal with boundary violators. Anyone who violates your boundaries has the potential to be very abusive. Some aren't. But some are. And violating your boundaries is only the first red flag you should be paying attention to. A guy sent me an email full of love poetry the other day. He'd used the form on my website for something other than what I'd specified it was to be used for, so I binned his email and set my account to trash any other email he should try to send me. I DON'T DEAL WITH BOUNDARY VIOLATORS. I've known too many in my past and I've learned my lesson. Today's exercise: Whatever happens, no matter what.... don't say anything negative about it.
I've got frozen shoulder, borderline migrane headache and I'm not going to complain about any of it. Fact is, we have to focus on what we want to create - NOT ON WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE CREATED AND ARE SUFFERING FROM. Otherwise it won't change. You'll stay stuck in a negative loop. It's Universal Law. By complaining about your Now, you're bringing more of it to bear on yourself. This list is NOT all inclusive. There is lots more.
Yup Watch your boundaries. Where are you in others' heads? Where do you let them into yours? If you take control of another's life, are you willing then to take responsibility for whatever happens to them? Do you ASK another person first before foisting your demands on them? Do you automatically expect others to take care of your needs without their having said they would? Do you respect others' free will to be themselves and to take charge of their own lives or do you interfere, thinking you know better? Do you give advice even when it was never asked for? Do you automatically assume people don't know what they're doing and they need your help rather than understanding we're all at different levels on our own paths? Do you believe that others' irritating behaviours are faults of theirs you have to control or do you believe that you need to change your reaction if you find it irritating? Are you capable of disconnecting, of not reacting to others' behaviours? Do you label them as annoying when in fact it is you that gets annoyed and it might not bother anyone else? Are you detached from others' behaviours that used to trigger you or still reacting? Do you judge others and yourself because you're afraid of not being perfect? Do you attack others before they get a chance to attack you first? Do you spend the day pointing out others' faults rather than compassionately looking at your own? When energies are up and you get moody, do you restrain yourself or lash out at anything including coffee mugs, slow computers and toilet paper that's rolling the wrong way? Do you allow other people to "make mistakes" or to try and fail, which is part of the natural process of life? Or do you step in and take control because you think you know best for them. Do people resent you? Do they get annoyed with you? Could you stop for a moment and look at what you might be doing that makes them respond to you that way or do you see it all as their shortcoming and just blame them? Do you just blame others? Is everything everyone else's fault and never any of yours? Are you perfect or are you just completely defended against seeing any of your own shortcomings out of fear of looking inadequate? Do you argue with others? Do you believe that you need to dominate others in a festival of opinions or do you value your peace more and believe others are entitled to their own opinion? Do you ever consider you could be wrong and others could be right? Do you see everything in black and whites, like yes/no, positive/negative, I do/I don't ever.... or can you look at the shades of grey in between? Do you compromise with others? Is it always your way? I can go on. This is only the beginning of how hard I've had to and continue to look at myself. Do you allow yourself to be manipulated? When neighbours come over looking for sex do you fall for their attempts to keep you from diverting off topic by saying that your cat looks healthy when its hair is falling out? Do you allow their cheap talk of "your apartment looks nice, I could be very comfortable in here," without seeing their true agenda of trying to get laid? Do you not see what people are trying to pull over on you and fall for it every time? This leads to poor self esteem, by the way. Do you think people are basically honest or liars? Can you tell the difference. The way to tell the difference is to be honest yourself by the way. Do you fall for flattery? Do you soak up people's insincere compliments while you allow them to run their manipulative agenda on you? Or can you tell the difference? Do you believe there's no such thing as just liking a person for who they are? Do you believe that the only friends are people who can do something you can't and you expect to manipulate them into doing this by befriending them? Do you try to trick people? Do you tell people what they're supposed to think of you, or do you let them make up their own opinions, even if they end up hating you. Do you believe that when someone tells you about you that it's really you they're talking about or a reflection of themselves? I had a conversation with a guy recently who did this and I was reminded.
People who say the word "sorry" for any reason at all, repetitively, time and time again, are victims. They have most likely taken responsibility for other people's "stuff" throughout their lifetime, and have used saying "sorry" as a way of assuaging the anger of the perpetrator they dealt with repetitively. Fact is, it means nothing other than they think of themself as a victim and they're playing a role of being submissive to others. When it all comes out in the wash, will they be sorry for whatever it was they apologized for? No. Victims are often extremely resentful of others who put them down. And rightly so. Understanding what made you so angry at others ultimately leads to your freedom as you go back through your life and try to put the past to rest. When you become captain of your own ship, self empowered and self loving, you will have little need to take care of others' feelings by saying "sorry" all the time. You will say what you need to and if others don't like it, they'll have to own it themselves instead of projecting their part of themselves onto you. Yes, projection is involved here when people react negatively to what you say: they don't want to see something about themselves, and you just reminded them of what that is. You stop caretaking others' feelings and start speaking your truth. You realize this might not make you popular but you sleep better at night. When you die, you leave all behind you on earth and it's yourself you need to make peace with most importantly. Some people will never forgive you for anything you have said or done, and that's on them. Has nothing to do with you. Allowable emotions.
If you were brought up in an emotionally repressive environment, or have ever held a job where stifling one's real emotions is important for the sake of earning an income, you may be only allowing yourself to express a limited range of emotions, just out of practise. These are what I just termed, "Allowable emotions." I don't know how many times I smiled at someone at work when I really wanted to tell them off. But you had to to keep your pay cheque. If you can't express your full range of emotions at least even privately, then you're still repressing them. Sometimes addictions help in this regard. We drown out emotional binges that would have been healthier to have had. I figure human emotions are like piano keys. There are the funny ones at each end that sound weird but they're there for a reason. Don't confuse emotions with their resultant states. I see many emotional charts do this. One I saw even mentioned a state of drunkenness as an emotion. No, that's a state. It's the emotion you were feeling before you started drinking that dictated how much you would imbibe, like anger, sadness or happiness. https://www.healthline.com/health/list-of-emotions#fear You have the right to say "no" without explaining yourself. This means you don't have to come up with "a good reason why" you're saying no.
Controlling people will put you on the defensive by interrogating you into giving them a good reason why you're saying "no". Fact is, they're doing it so they can break down your resistance and then manipulate you into doing what you don't want. These manipulations can often include assaults on your character, bringing up things they did for you when you needed them (sometimes exaggerated and drawn out to justify their current need now. For example if they've only done one thing for you ever, they'll keep repeating that one thing and exaggerating its importance to you.) I always say arguing in futile and this would bear that up. Arguing is a game of dominance. You have the right to assert yourself, to repeat the word "no" with no explanation and you also have the right to walk away. Another one of our rights: We have the right to be ourselves, to make mistakes and not to be corrected on them by someone who positions themself as our superior. Advice givers and rescuers are who I'm specifically talking about. This is an example of the power over others structure being enacted. Any behaviour where one seeks dominance over another is.
We have the right to say "no" to what appears to be offers of help. These people seldom give us help out of compassion for us, but rather they appear to be helping us in order to condescend to us and enforce their feeling of superiority over us. This is their egotism in high gear. I've found in the past that these so-called helpers are also gossips who laughed at me behind my back. One of them was my mother. Mistakes are part of the learning process we're all engaged in. Anyone who's intolerant of your mistakes needs to take a look at their own selves. However, people have the right to choose who they wish to engage with in life. If your process doesn't resonate with the person, they have no need to engage with you if they don't choose to. It goes two ways. People have rights you need to respect.
One of these rights is to determine for ourselves the next course of action. We don't need others meddling into our problems and trying to fix us. Often the reason people try to fix or rescue other people is because THEY'RE not comfortable with what you're going through. This is because in our intellect-based world, people are uncomfortable with emotions. We spend our time trying to repress them so we can get through a stressful day at work. Can you imagine what any high stress workplace would look like if everybody vented their emotions at the time that they felt them? It would be crazy. However, if people did, they might start to clue in to the fact that there's something wrong in the way we do things and that we need a better system for ourselves that doesn't require people to stifle their emotions to partake of it! And a system that doesn't produce as much stress as ours does. The need to quell one's emotions often leads to mood management through addiction. This is highly dysfunctional. The other right that people have is the right not to have you tell them how to feel. Your boundaries need to stop around yourself and should not include managing the feelings or any other aspect of another person's life unless you're ASKED FIRST to help. And again, because of our society is so emotionally damaging, others can become very uncomfortable with you if you tend to show your emotions readily. I was taught to repress my emotions, particularly my anger, by my father who claimed the right to be the only one in the family allowed to express anger. Why? Because he was projecting all his inner rage at life back on his kids. His self-centered attitude proclaimed he was the only one allowed to be angry at the world, not us. This is extremely tyrannical but people do this in ways that may not be as obvious as my father's tactics were. It's done all the time. Ever hear the term, "Forget about it?" We even have a joke, mimicking the New York Italian accent "fuggetabutit." That's how common it is to tell others, "Drop it. I'm not interested in dealing with your feelings." Listening to your emotions is the path to wellness, and suppressing them for any reason will bring on poor emotional and mental health. I spent many years learning to feel, tolerate and re-connect with my emotions again when I went into recovery. Emotions make people uncomfortable because we live in an emotionally-repressed society. They are necessary for many reasons - I use them as an empath to understand my reaction to lower energies, for example and to understand when I'm being confronted by an energy vampire. |
AuthorI have lived this nightmare and have overcome being a victim. Archives
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